A man controlling a woman on puppet strings.

Have you heard the term DARVO? Chances are you haven’t – and that’s a good thing. Because while it might sound like a villain from a superhero film, sadly it’s a whole lot more serious than that.

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s the sneaky tactic some people use when they’re called out, flipping the blame to make themselves look like the injured party. And it’s more common that you might think.

At the end of last year, the Domestic Abuse Commissioner delivered a worrying message to Parliament. In 87% of the family court case files reviewed, there was evidence of domestic abuse. And in nearly three-quarters of the hearings, abuse featured prominently. Let’s just let that sink in. It’s a lot.

Yet despite this, the system designed to protect survivors is often leaving them more vulnerable than before.

The Commissioner’s report also warned that financial settlements in family proceedings often deepen the damage of economic abuse rather than undoing it. Recent High Court rulings have made it even harder for survivors to argue that abuse during a marriage should be treated as “conduct” when finances are divided.

The result? Survivors – most of them women – who are left exposed to further harm, both financially and emotionally.

For women who turn to the family courts seeking safety, fair financial outcomes, or decisions about their children, this reality can come as a profound shock. Rather than being believed, many say they are met with outright denial – swiftly followed by counter-allegations so aggressive that they begin to doubt their own experiences.

This is DARVO.

So what exactly is DARVO?

DARVO – short for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender – is a psychological response commonly used when someone is challenged about abusive behaviour.

First comes denial: “That never happened.”
Then attack: questioning the other person’s credibility, motives or mental state.
Finally, role reversal: positioning themselves as the real victim and the accuser as the problem.

This sequence isn’t accidental. It’s a deliberate tactic designed to confuse, destabilise and shift blame – often leaving the person raising concerns feeling silenced and unsure of themselves.

DARVO isn’t confined to courtrooms or psychology textbooks – it’s something many will recognise from the screen. In Big Little Lies, Perry Wright (played by Alexander Skarsgård) repeatedly denies his abuse, attacks his wife Celeste’s (Nicole Kidman) credibility, and recasts himself as the victim when challenged. It’s textbook DARVO, especially during therapy scenes.

The Netflix series Maid tells a similar story. It follows single mother Alex as she navigates a relationship marked by emotional abuse and coercive control. Her partner consistently minimises his behaviour, denies harm and positions himself as the wronged party, leaving Alex doubting her own version of events. Again, it’s classic DARVO – unsettling, effective and all too familiar.

How DARVO shows up in family courts

In family proceedings, credibility is everything. Decisions about children and safety are often made on the “balance of probabilities”, a framework that makes DARVO especially effective.

Survivors describe familiar patterns:

Abuse reframed as “mutual conflict”
False counter-allegations
Claims that the survivor is unstable, controlling or vindictive
Court processes deliberately drawn out to exhaust and intimidate

Psychological research shows that when DARVO is used, observers are more likely to distrust the person raising concerns – exactly the opposite of what justice demands.

Why recognising DARVO matters

DARVO is closely linked to gaslighting and coercive control – now recognised as a criminal offence. While DARVO itself isn’t a legal term, its impact is real. The Domestic Abuse Commissioner and Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) have both reported growing concerns about role reversal and false claims dominating family court cases.

Failing to recognise DARVO risks serious consequences: unsafe child arrangements, survivors silenced, and the legal system itself being weaponised.

How this can help you

For women navigating separation, divorce or child arrangements, understanding DARVO can be empowering. It helps survivors hold onto their reality, prepare for what may come, and seek the right support.

As awareness grows, there is hope that family courts will become more trauma-informed – better able to see through manipulation and focus on what truly matters: safety, fairness, and the wellbeing of women and children.

Claire O’Flinn is a family solicitor with 25+ years’ experience in financial and children matters. A trained mediator, she helps families resolve disputes, often without going to court, and is an acknowledged expert in advising on the impacts of coercive and controlling behaviour within family relationships. keystonelaw.com

So what exactly is DARVO?

How DARVO shows up in family courts

Why recognising DARVO matters

How this can help you

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DARVO explained: the abuse tactic silencing women in Family Courts

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